WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
