Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
