just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
