my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
