Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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