You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
