We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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