First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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