I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
