I want to make a zoo with you.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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