you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
