there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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