That's when you crack a 10am beer
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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