We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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