oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
my shit smells like andre
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
