I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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