Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
