i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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