now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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