your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
