im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize