I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
