i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
