I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
