even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
