I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
