Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
