I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
