i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
high people should be assigned attendants
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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