So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
