I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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