he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
