You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
