i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
