I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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