i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
worst night to have a conscience
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
