Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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