my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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