I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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