Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
