dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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