Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
BRING THE BAGELS
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
