Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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