There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
