My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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