'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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