I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
