I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize