Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
