dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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