just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
