this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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