I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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